Lecture 3

Penn-Hedley III Hunt Lectures

Lecture 3

Ahem.
Good Day.
Hrmph
The audience seems to have thinned out still more from the first two lectures in our series. I’m afraid that this material may be a bit advanced for people with your –hrmph- -er- lack of advancement. Perhaps I should speak more slowwwwly and dis-TINCT-lee. There is no reason to get hysterical, Ehran, it was only a suggestion.
I see that Alkeline has –hrmph- escaped. I found this broken piece of a lockpick tool in Alkeline’s –er- anklets. It seems to have been lubricated with deer grease. If Sherlock Holmes or Scotland Yard were here, they would cast suspicion in your direction, Master Smudge, but since you were here in your seat today even before I arrived, I feel certain you come prepared to declare your innocence. Is that correct?
Master Smudge?
Good heavens!, get that mongbat out of here! No, let it take Master Smudge’s clothing with it. The mongbat was more presentable in them, anyway, and would probably have earned better academic marks.

Well. Hrmph.
I suppose we should get on with our subject.
I elected to begin this current hunt in the dungeon Covetous, where we should be able to add new monsters to our survey with a minimum of serious personal risk. I used my favorite rune to the area, which zaps me to the open-air passage between levels one and two. Then I entered the “back door” of level one in search of highly killable lizardblokes.

One of these was kind enough to greet me at the door.

48.	Lizardman Warrior:
	Warrior? I think not. I met one more of these fellows on the hunt and they each carried the following in personal effects: 6 hides, 91-126 gp, and one item each (gem or weapon).

Within a short distance, I met another lizardman warrior and a common lizardman (species #38 from hunt 2). Over the course of this hunt, the 3 lizardmen I met each yielded 6 hides, 26-66 gp and one of the three had a miscellaneous item .

Soon after dispatching these upright-walking reptiles, I came upon a steamer trunk mysteriously abandoned in the dungeon. No doubt it was misplaced there by those incompetent porters from Victoria Station. It might even have been one of my own trunks lost on the return trip from India. An attempt to check for any identifying papers resulted instead in the summoning of a Djinni who had apparently appointed himself baggage-check custodian. I gave him a piece of my mind and he also communicated his own feelings in return. He made several good points, which I –hrmph- retired to some distance to consider before returning to the debate. In the end –HIS end in actual point of fact- my arguments prevailed. I collected 270 gp from him for my trouble (that was all he had). The chest yielded up 5 items of insignificance and 65 gp.

49.	Djinni:
	I next encountered a Lizardman Defender, a more worthy warrior I had already previously experienced as #33 on hunt 2. This one donated 226 gp, four items and the customary 6 hides to my favorite charity- the Penn-Hedley Relief Fund for Displaced Peers.

While dispatching a pair of common Lizardmen, I became aware of incoming missiles, which I returned until the barrage stopped. When I advanced to check on the source, I found that I had dispatched a new newt type:

50.	Lizard Archer:
	While I relieved his corpse of 6 hides, a bow and 23 arrows, two pieces of armor, and 87 gp, I was attacked by another lizardman and a skeleton (species #23 from hunt 2) both of which I readily dismissed. The skeleton was carrying 37 gold pieces, although how they carry money is quite outside of my understanding.

At this stage of the hunt I had the great misfortune to encounter Mr. Malachai Wolfsbane. Oh, do not misunderstand, he is a stout fellow and all that, but he was hunting the dungeon from the opposite direction. Having prior acquaintance with Mr. Wolfsbane’s work, I knew the pickings ahead of me would be bare as the pasture behind a herd of Welsh sheep.

That being the case, I decided to change venues immediately. I set course for Serpent’s Hold.
I realized immediately- well, -hrmph- rather quickly at any rate- that I was not in Serpent’s Hold. I was at the Snow Orc Fort. Close enough.

If memory serves, I had not yet made the acquaintance of any Snow Orc Chaps since the beginning of these narratives, so I hurried forward to introduce myself. The first gent I met was called a

51.

Snow Orc Warror:

There are quite a number of these blokes around, I had the pleasure of killing 9 of them on this trip. They were in possession of 154 to 299 gold pieces and 1-4 items each. They seem to be particularly fond of potions. They remind you a lot of regular Orc Warriors, but with much better laundry service. As with all of the Snow Orc clan, their skins are very pale and their outfits immaculately white.

After killing three warriors, I had all but despaired of finding any other flavors of Snow Orc when I came under fire from a pair of newcomers.

52.

Snow Orc Marksman:

These lads attacked together, fired together and died together, so I respected their lifestyle and looted them together. They carried two crossbows and 54 bolts between them, and NO gold pieces. I later encountered another Snow Orc Marksman with which this pattern continued (crossbow and bolts his only possessions), but in a fourth case, one was in possession of 80 gold pieces and two items. I conclude that Snow Orc Marksmen are disgracefully underpaid, but that they sometimes steal to make up for it.

By this time, there was only one chap left alive in the fort, but he was a worthy fellow (as one would expect from a peer). His name, I believe, was Lord Yellowdrift, and, as one would expect, he was as pale as the “before” image in an ad for a tanning salon.

53.	Snow Orc Lord:
	When I finally dispatched him, I was rewarded with 206 gold pieces and 4 items (weapon, armor, clothing, potion). At that point, I asked the garrison of the fort if they would mind my checking out their little chest of goodies in the office. No one spoke up, so I sought entry, but the lock proved well beyond my meager locksmith talents.

I then went to the teleporter to see what kind of opponents could be found in the underground version of the fort. GREAT FLAMING TRAFALGAR CANNONBALLS! THE HUNS ARE HERE!

Oh, -hrmph- sorry about the excitement. Things were rather crowded and chaotic beyond the teleporter, you see. It was rather like materializing in the gateway to general admission to a United-Manchester match (well, perhaps not as dangerous as that- these were only orcs and goblins, after all). At any rate, I was instantly pounced upon by an unruly mob. I immediately leaped back through the gate, but eight of the blighters came right back with me. In addition to Snow Orc Warriors, there were plain old Snow Orcs and Goblins (species #29). The 3 goblins each had 61-73 gold pieces and 0-1 item.

54.	Snow Orc:
	I inventoried the belongings of 12 of these creatures in all. They carried 99-179 gold pieces (110 on the average) and 1-3 items (1.5 average). Once I finished off the orcs who followed me from the match- er- underground fort, I returned via the teleporter.

This time, the crowd was much more controllable. I killed many more of the same types of monsters already reported. Then, I finally found the creatures I had been looking to add since I arrived at the fort.

55.	Polar Bear:
	All six of the polar bears I killed yielded up 4 ribs and six BROWN hides each. BROWN? Oh, well, I’m sure there is a perfectly good explanation for this. By this time, I was beginning to become bored of the limited menu of adversaries to be found in the Snow Orc Forts, so I ventured out into the area we call the Ice Dungeon.

There I ran into another surly and dangerous crowd. My attention was quickly drawn to an unfamiliar creature called “Snowork Uruk Hai Warrior”. I couldn’t get to him immediately, however, and I was taking a pummeling from the gang attacking me, so I was forced to let him slip away for the moment.

56.	Ice Skeleton:
	This a very tough fellow who hits hard. Like most “Ice” creatures, he is all white, but in his case this feature fails to distinguish him from his tamer cousins. He is also richer than the tropical skeleton, this one carrying 334 gps and 7 items (counting the reagent “bones”).

Once the Ice Skeleton was dead, I began looking for the SUHW, but only found various Snow Orcs until I killed:

57.	Ice Elemental:
	Imagine if Gumby were the same color as Chiclets. I did not find this fellow very tough. Perhaps he is able to buy off most of his opponents, as his treasure was extraordinary. He had 308 gold pieces, TWO star sapphires, a potion and a magic helmet. This was a bit ahead of the norm, however, as a second one I killed later had only 268 gold pieces and four items (although the items included a necro scroll and a gem). As I continued my search, I was interrupted by…
58.	Giant Frost Spider:
	As you might expect, this fellow is pretty much just an albino version of the common Giant Spider, complete with webs, poison, and bloody awful loot. Neither of the two I killed had anything but 5 spider silks. I then met and killed two:
59.	Frost Gargoyle:
	These fellows, who resemble white devils, were also a bit light on material goods. One had 119 gp, 2 scrolls, 3 reagents, and a gem, and the other had 137 gp, 2 reagents and a potion.

Then I found the Uruk Hai. I believe I was the first in the land to bag one of these bounders. I had a bit of help, however. I had exchanged a couple of dispatches with Antimony, who was also taking an interest in the new faces cropping up among the orcs, and so I quickly informed her once I had the Uruk Hai cornered. Well, perhaps “cornered” is not quite the proper term, as he was doing his best to ”get at” me and I was showing a certain reluctance to be “gotten at.” I had him in one of Smudge’s favorite “Archery Traps” just at the stairway between the Ice Dungeon and the underground fort. It was my intention that when Antimony arrived we would hold a “war council” and determine the optimum strategy for defeating the creature. Then we could arrange logistics, run simulations, train the troops and finally launch our attack. However, upon arrival, Antimony simply leaped onto the back of the Uruk Hai and began whacking it on the head.
-hrmph-
Well, that could work, too.
The things are pretty tough, perhaps at or beyond orc captains or orc lords.
Antimony beat it within an in of its life and then took a break, at which point I charged in and finished it off and posed for the National Geographic pictures standing on its chest.

60.	Snowork(sic) Uruk Hai Warrior:
	I am embarrassed to say that I cannot find any notes as to what it carried in loot. Ooops. Then Antimony left and the hunting got boring for a while, killing the same types of creatures over and over. I got desperate.
61.	Walrus:
	At least they aren’t white. They yield up a bounty of 10 hides and 15 ribs.

I was tracking a frigid eye (how do I DO that?), when I stumbled into an Ice Fiend instead. Now, this was no ordinary Ice Fiend, in spite of the fact that his Daemon form, blue-white color and 12 foot height matched the police sketches pretty well. He must have been an auctioneer or used car salesman on the weekends, because he was, hands down, the fastest spellcaster with whom I have had the misfortune to exchange spells. One moment I was Penn-Hedley III, Queen’s Gentlemen protected by a high-quality British-made Magic Reflection spell. Instantly I was transformed into Penn-Hedley III, poisoned frog chased by two energy vortexes. How undignified. A few moments later, I composed myself and returned, only to be transformed immediately into a cursed poisoned frog. This time, however, the Fiend had issued his insta-spells in the wrong sequence, and he was under attack from his own pair of energy vortexes. Although they were really fairly harmless, he focused his attention entirely on battling the little EV’s giving me ample time to make him…

62.	Ice Fiend:
	His estate included 628 gold pieces and 9 nice items, including 3 daemon bones. That seemed like a most fortuitous note on which to end the hunt.