theworldofdreams.com

Hail and well met, fellow adventurers!

This is Wyspr, Bayn's brother, a druid and ranger I am! I've heard he's been skipping his usual duties of hunting and looting and instead, writing stories. Actually, I didn't even know that he knew how to write at all! I'm the smart one in the family. But then, Bayn is full of surprises, he has untouched depths, err, or something like that. He wanted me to write the latest adventure he had near Vesper but it is too dark and sad for me so I'm just going write about an experience that I had! I'll decipher and transcribe his sad scrawls tomorrow. It's a real tear jerker too. *sigh*

Anyway, I woke up this morning and he was gone, as usual. He even left the coffeepot empty on the stove and dirty socks in the corner. *sigh* Living with a warrior isn't easy. Anyway, there I was toasting a bit of fresh rye bread over the fire with the soot blackened pot of coffee beginning to percolate as it sat near the coals when a thunderous crash made the entire cabin shake! I nearly lost my water as I jumped up and looked out the window. I recoiled in an instinctive reaction becuase an Ogre Lord was standing out there trying to pound his way in!

Another crash and I noticed that he only was hitting the door. Then I heard a loud bellow, "Hey, Bayn! I gotta talk to yew!" There was a pause and some deep throated muttering about "you" and "yew" and "Yew" and then a thunderous bellow of laughter. "Omigod", I thought, "An Ogre Lord that makes puns and laughs at them." I swallowed nervously and called out with what I hoped was a firm yet friendly voice, "Bayn's not here! Just us chickens. Bok bok!" You see, we do keep chickens in the house and knowing how stupid Ogres are, I figured that might do the trick. After all, I hadn't had my coffee yet and my regeants were in a muddled mess and I couldn't remember where I had left my runebag or spellbook.

"Wyspr, yew wuss of a ranger", the Ogre Lord laughed, "I know it's you! Hey, can your dragon Whine come out and play? Oh! Oooh, oooh, ouchie,that's right. He DIED!! AAAHAHaaaHAHAHahHAHAaa. AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN RESS HIM!!", the ogre continued with his brutal guffaws. Ok, I was angry now. I squinted out the dirty pane of glass and thought I recognized him. That was the same one that killed Whine, I thought. Of course, all Ogre Lords look the same to me but how else would he know about that embarrassing and tragic incident?

"How would you like to dance with 2 or 3 fire elementals, you jerk!" I yelled back as I checked my regeant and kindling supply. As I stuffed my runebag and spellbook in my pack, I quickly calculated mana usage, failure rates, mana regeneration, probably battle damage and was interrupted by "Ooooh, that'd really burn me up! AHAHAHAAHAHaaaaaHAaaa.", the ogre chortled. I sighed, realizing he had a good point there. Ok, how about if I 'port to the nearest stable, get a dragon out of hock and maybe a wyrm and a couple of polar bears and then gate back here and kick his butt. Hmmm, I tried to calculate if I could control all those beasts but my caffeine deprived brain strained with the effort.

"Hey, Wyspr, I just wanna talk. The big mucketymuck King of the Ogres, Grandum the Great, ordered me to come here and talk to Bayn, I have to tell him a story. But, since he ain't here, I'll tell you. I also PROMISED on the pain of not getting any rock soup tonight, to not hurt anybody. Awright?", the red glowing monstrosity continued.

"Y'see, we heard that slithery hag told Bayn a story and when we heard 'bout it I sed to the King, 'Wal now, we shud write a book and give it to him and that Bayn can tell everybody our side o' things.' The King stared at me, picked his nose, belched a real nice one and said, 'Listen dolt, we don't write. Our finners are too big.' Darn, Wyspr, I had plumb forgot 'bout that and I lost some brownie points wit' the King there! Then the King emitted some foul smelling gas and picked his teeth with his big toenail and said 'But, that's a very good idea, so you go down to that Yew seaside house where he hangs out and tell him our story and don't hurt no one or no rock soup for you tonight!'", the ogre rambled on.

"Alright, alright", I broke in desperately. "So, you just want to tell me a story right? No tricks?", I tried to confirm.

"Naw, I love rock soup like life itself and I don't get any if I hurt nobody...err, anybody...err, wal yew know what I mean.", he replied, crossing his eyes in an attempt to look innocent, or stupid or something.

I told myself to seize the moment and shouted, "Ok, be right there." Quickly I began to buff myself. First I cast Agility on me and then polymorph.

"Hehehe, wut yew doing, Wyspr? Yer buffs ain't worth a squat agin me.", the ogre lord laughed.

I frowned but followed with a quick protection and bless spell.

"AAAaHAhahaha, don't leave home without it. Practice safe combat, wear protection. HAW HAW!! BLESS my stars and garters...AaAHahaha", the ogre lord was almost convulsing with laugher now.

I cast Reactive Armor, Strength and Cunning and the ogre lord collapsed in a heap, bellowing his amusement. "Strength? AS IF!!" With my heightened intelligence, I quickly discerned he had the right of things. No amount of buffing was going to help me much with him if he decided to get nasty. I patted Chloe, one of the chickens, on the head, opened the door, exited the log cabin and automatically locked it behind me.

The Ogre Lord towered over me like a, well, like a tower of primal power. He cocked his head to one side then shook it and moved across the clearing to sit down with enough gentleness to only uproot two or three trees. "Awright then. This is wut its like. Lissen up and lissen good."

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Long time ago, when the World wuz young, us ogres jest ruled everything. I mean, after all, we wuz the hottest stuff there wuz. Wal, except for some o' them big ole ancient dragon types. But they left us alone and we left them alone, except when we could gank one unawares like, naturally. Wal, there wuz these snakey critters around too but we didn't pay them no nevermind cuz they wuz hardly worth a being an appetizer and 'sides, the tasted kinda nasty. We shoulda paid more attention to 'em though cuz afore we knew it, them snakeys were darn near everywhere!

King Bloamee, he wuz the King back then, tole all o' us to jest leave the snakeys alone cuz they weren't much account an' we were busy trying to gank ancients and smash anything that wasn't fast enough to git outta the way. That's wut we does for fun, y'see. We like to smash things. Nuthin' better than pounding things into rubble or greasy spots, I tell ya!

But, one day we alls woke up an' them snakeys were In Charge. Wow, they hads all kinda magic and after they cast some spell that made King Bloamee flap his arms and bok like a chicken, we decided to get along with 'em . After all, they tasted nasty and moved way too fast. So, time goes on and la de dah de dah...umm, oh yeah. We jest did wut we normally did 'cept we weren't allowed to gank Ancients anymore cuz the snakeys would cast that chicken spell on us and we hated when that happened. So, we smashed and pounded, made lots of rock soup and stone stew and jest had a great time.

Shucks, us ogres always have good times. We doan worry 'bout nothin' if we have something to pound on. It got boring at times with them Snakeys in charge and when we got a chance, we'd grab one in secret and pull its arms off so it was more like a proper snake. But, that was dangerous and although we ain't afraid o' nuthin', we hate going "bok!" . So, we wuz good boyz and grrlz for the most part. That reminds me, yew dont see our wimmin out walkin' aroun' much cuz we mainly try to keep 'em in the kithen, makin' rock soup. They's lovely gals that could make a buzzard puke, yew dont have lookers lak that, I know. I et a few o' yer wimmin and although they dont taste nasty like snakeys, they are ugly and tiny.

Ya know that I'm an ogre Lord and not jest an ogre. That was one thing the snakeys did fer us. To apologize fer making King Bloamee go "bok", they gave him a secret recipe. That recipe filled him with power and rage surpassin' that o' any other ogre and afore long, all ogres bowed to him, even if they snicker about his rosy complexion behind his back. But, it was a good thing, that recipe and he handed it down to his most trusted lootenants and his children, o' course. I'd tell ya how to make it but then yew'd be a Wuss Druid Lord an' thats jest too funny to think about. AAHahahaHAhahahaa...hmm, where wuz I?

La de dah de dah, years go by, more o' the same. We jest had a good time. Then, my papa met my mama and they made the rocks shake and I was born. Okeeday, we are almost up to date now. Oh yeah, I forgots to tell ya about when humans came here. Y'see, I'm old fer an ogre. That Lord recipe not only makes you strong enough to make rocks shriek fer mercy, but it makes ya live a long, long time. So, I wuz alive an' well when yew first humans came here.

There I wuz, jest a joovenile delinquent mindin' my own business, plucking feather off a harpy fer fun, one day. Then, right next to me a blue glowing thing appeared! Well, out from that blue glowing thing, a gate I guess you can figger out right, stepped these puny l'il things covered with bits o' metal and leather and carrying sharp pointy things. I natcherally reached out and grabbed one to see how it'd squish and it stuck me in the nose with its pointy thing, jest before it squished. The other puny things shouted whiny little slogans and started stabbing me with the sharp pointy things so I just left that scene fast. I tole King Azzwiep, who wuz our current King, 'bout them puny things and he counseled me to shut my mouthy trap. So I did, cuz he was big.

King Azzwiep watched them puny things that were called humans and saw how good they were at killin' stuff with their sharp pointy things an' had almost decided they must be some kinda mutant ogre of some type. They killed anything that moved. It wuz great. The King rewarded me for findin' 'em first by giving me a draught o' the Lord recipe and tole all the ogres not to tell the snakeys 'bout them humans. Well, its history now. Yew humans jest about wiped out them nasty tastin' snakeys and we kin smash and pound anytime we want to. We can even gank Ancients without being afraid o' being turned into a chicken.

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"So, no whiny 'poor me we useta be so great' story like that slithery hag cried about. The King jest wanted to let ya know that he is happy yew all are here and killin' stuff an' to remember that when yew is out hunting us, we is out hunting yew too. Wot fun, eh?", he said.

"Hmm, no rock soup. Well, there could be worse things", the Ogre Lord chuckled as he eyed me. I noticed his "rosy complexion" had deepened which generally meant he was becoming infused with a primal urge to smash and pound.

"I see, well that was an astonishing and useful story," I replied cautiously, standing up nonchalantly. "I should find some vellum and a quill pen and write that all down before I forget.", I remarked, edging towards the door.

"Wait!", said the Ogre as he got to his feet, once again towering over me. "You wuz such a good listener that I want to give you somethin' special." he said with what I hoped was a smile as he reached towards his pack.

I paused, hoping without hope that this stupid Ogre would actually give me the recipe for the Lord potion. Wow, just think, I could kill Ogre Lords and Titans, cast amazing and powerful spells, see through walls and clothing, gank ancients, leap tall monasteries in a single bound. A shadow fell over me as I grinned in anticipation and I looked up to see a rather large spikey club descending....


-Wyspr.